Fatal Interview with TP Podcast Premiere

I have started a new, personal, audio podcast/journal/magazine called FATAL INTERVIEW.
The website for it is www.fatalinterview.com ( http://interviewfatal.mevio.com/ ).
It will feature poetry, song, thoughts and observations, journal readings, fiction readings, amongst other things. The first show is out today! At the above website link, you can subscribe via Itunes or Zune, or click on the RSS link to get the feed and find the mp3 link for direct download.

2009 New Year's Resolutions

I always seem to struggle with the point of this Blog. I seem to be driven to have one, but I don't know what to put here. I always feel it has to be something grandiose. OK, maybe I'll do something here more often now, I'm sort of waking up from the last two years.

Let's start with my New Year's Resolutions:

1 - Exercise, Eat Right, Lose Weight. Not original, but necessary. I sit down, mostly at a microscope, at my job. My main hobby at home is playing guitar/recording music. So yeah, even with the best of intentions, I need to kick myself in the rear a bit to get started with this one. So, I've joined a health club. Now I need to go on a regular basis. The guilt over paying for nothing should motivate me at the beginning!

2 - Continue to "wake up". Related to NYR #3...everything about life just hit me around November 2008. All of the loses my family sustained, the weight of the world issues of worrying way too much about things I can't control (misuse of global resources, greed, humanity's inability to learn from historical mistakes). In other words, start embracing the Serenity Prayer. You know it, "God grant me the wisdom...." So, I spent most of November just locked away in my basement, ignoring the world, staring at the walls, thinking everything was way too much to deal with. Around December, I started forcing myself to do things, musical things, stuff that made me happy and involved. It was an effort at first, but then I started to really get into it and I felt a lot better. I decided how I want approach things here in 2009, and it really lifted a burden off of my shoulders.

3 - Try not to remind or tell everyone I meet how tragic my life has been the last two years. Most of you know that I lost my father, a daughter and my sister in the last two years. It has taken me a long time to get my head screwed on somewhat straight because of that. It has totally defined who I am and what I believe now vs. who I was a few years ago. But it's time to move forward. Wisdom comes at a high price, but I don't need to wear that high price on my sleeve (although I have a great hummingbird tattoo on my right forearm in honor of Jenny). You know what I'm saying. It's time to let my lessons inform me internally. I don't need to set up all I say with a reference to losing loved ones. I am not looking for the pity anymore. I feel stronger now about my beliefs, and that's all I need to make public, is just a sense of strength about myself.

4- MUSIC. I have many projects I want to create. Some are years old and need to be finished. Because of the personal issues above, I have not been too inspired the past two years. I won't make any cute comments about being prolific. Being prolific is in my nature, because music is my diary. Not every CD or song I do is great, but they are all honest. There is much I've left unsaid, and much I want to say. It's time to exercise my voice again.

5 - Get Crome Yellow back together again. My old band was really freekin' cool. And jammin' with your buddies is damn good for the soul.

every once in a while

Every once in a while I think it's a great idea to blog.
I lose the initiate and/or I have no time.
Every once in a while I have a great deal to say.
I lose the initiative and/or I have no time.
Every once in a while I make a "mental breakthrough."
Every once in a while I get inspired.
Every once in a while
I lose the initiative and/or I have no time.
Lots going on. Lots to say.
More importantly, lots to do.
Lots of musical projects.
Lots of regrets, yet, lots of living left.
Gotta figure it out, make peace with it all,
and get going.
Hopefully something tangible to say in the near future.
Peace and Love to you all.

Making Sense of my Modern World

I have wrestled with depression all of my adult life, starting in high school sometime. Some of this is natural, chemical, brain juices out of balance, whatever! But it is also a deep-seated fear, regret, and lament about the fate of our natural world, and of humanity’s fate. I know, that sounds grandiose, but I internalize these things! Most of what I read and watch for entertainment is history-related, and I have a strong sense of national tendencies, the arc of empires, etc. The bottom line is it has nearly killed me knowing that, yet again, humanity (especially the USA) is NOT learning from their mistakes, but yet again the deadly sins of greed, selfishness, and gluttony are steering a culture to demise. We don’t live within our means. We don’t conserve resources. We live for today with no concern for the future, and future generations. Our economy is a house of cards built upon the myths of implied value and wealth. When we need real leadership, and even though Obama gives me some hope, I know the American system, even if elected he will fail more than succeed….when we need real leadership, this current political season made me sick. Obama’s oppenent, McCain acted like a nasty little man who had forsaken his standards and life lessons in a late-life bloodlust for the crown and one last moment of glory. His concession speech was lovely and reminded me of the man, eight years ago, I was intrigued by much more than Bush. The current political season was the worst I’ve ever experienced and it disgusted me. Time has proven that even if a good leader does arise, and I think Obama is this man, who will follow him? There is a reason only 4 out of 43 American presidents are on our Mount Rushmore. There is a reason, outside of historians, only a few of the Roman emperors are remembered today. Greatness is flash of brilliance on the grey tapestry of history.

I pray that Obama can stay safe and that he is able to have some success with all of the difficulties that will confront him. We cannot afford the wars we are involved in neither socially nor economically. We have to learn from our mistakes and not gouge the earth of its resources, while at the same time we must develop new resources. I have tended to ignore politics over the years because it depresses me. America’s bipartisan system naturally generates only two sides of the equation this becomes a divisive game. Obviously this entire situation is extremely multilayered but to me it comes down to a few simple facts.

One is greed and selfishness. As far as I am concerned the Republican Party's attitude is one of, "what's mine is mine and you are in on your own to figure out how to get what you need". I know I am an idealist, and have commented many times that I like to look at the big picture only, but I cannot escape this feeling inside of me that there's a fundamental need for human beings to take care of each other regardless of a society's economic system or an individual's economic status.

Two, I feel we as a people have a responsibility to have a sense of our place in the arc of history, to learn from the mistakes of our past, and to take steps and actions now to ensure that the future is more peaceful and less stressful than the past. I think at this point in the post-Enlightenment developments, humanity now has the pieces in place, which if put together carefully and reasonably, can create a global civilization in which Mankind can thrive for millennia. In saying this, I realize I have not lost all of my idealism. However, I must say that the negativity of this season's political campaign left my Idealism bruised and battered on the canvas of my thoughts.

I was glad to see the margin by which Obama won. As part of my idealism, it amazed and sickened me to witness the people who are bitching that McCain lost. While I understand that differing points of view exists, to me is just so obvious that Obama was thee only choice for the job. America is a country of great resources and potential, it could easily take care of itself, yet at every juncture where sacrifice and leadership is required, selfishness and individual greed tends to take over. Americans are an amazingly complex collection of selfish bastards, who in the end really want the best for each other, but seem clueless as to how to bridge that gap. I believe this is one reason why Obama won, people know this bridge needs to be built. I believe he has the mental makeup to make the hard and right decisions. The concern is whether the political system will allow him to implement his decisions.

I've started reading Obama's first book, "Stories from my Father". To say that I am impressed is an understatement. The man has a powerful intellect, and he is a strong writer. I pray for his safety. I pray the US Secret Service can protect this president from bodily harm (don't think that, because of his election, racism is a historical concept in America, there are always a few idiots hiding in the trees). I hope he is given an honest chance to do his new job, because he is a once-in-a-lifetime President and it would be a shame if his leadership was squandered in the back alley of partisan political bickering. There will be rough patches, no one is ever happy with political leadership, but through thick and thin, he just feels like the right person for the job.
God, did we, and the world, really have to suffer through 8 years of Bush to appreciate the qualities of Obama? I have often wondered, even on 9/11 the day itself, how would this be different if Bush wasn't our President? I KNEW while watching the news on 9/11 that it was going to be a sad, slippery slope of events with Bush in control. "Change" is the catch-phrase of our current state, and we need real visionaries, intelligence and perspective to guide the ship of state.
I really think we are witnessing, for better and for worse, the beginning ripples of a future we as citizens of the world on the cusp of the 21st Century cannot imagine. Can we truly appreciate 2100? What will the ramifications of globalization, dwindling resources, pollution, electronics, the internet, medical advances, economic models, and age-old religion be one hundred years from now? Think of the "archaic" world of 1900? Could they have imagined computers, the internet, the build up of a massive futuristic military, the highway infrastructure tying together separated pools of population, the farming industry creating urban populations dependent on a rural lifestyle paper-thin in it's economic strength, yet vital to every human being? And what of 1800? In the USA, at least, we were a country of philosophers soaked in the heyday of the Enlightenment, of fledgling capitalists dancing with the devil of England and Europe, of idealists who really believed mankind could live up to some utopian potential in their new, pastoral country. And 1600 to 1700? Small communities of colonists trying to scrap out an existance in a new world, surrounded by natives, sometimes welcome, often not, and dependent on yearly arrivals of ships from Europe. My god, it's astounding.
And what of religion? I’ve come to understand that religion is a natural part of societies and likely is an unavoidable outcome of people congregating and communicating as they try to understand their world. So yes, I’ve lost a lot of my cynicism towards religion. But it is hard for me to approach religion with grace, as it is something so fundamental to people that they become close-minded towards others. Of course there are the extreme examples of this, the holocaust, conflicts that lead to war. But even on the local level it is another source of politics and bullshit that gets in the way of people treating each other with dignity at times. It is a perceived backdrop that supports an “I am right and your are wrong” attitude. Yet at the same time I perceive that I have strong morals and where did that come from? My childhood education in the protestant ethic! What a complex weave is this world. Nothing is avoidable. The cold hand of death, despair, experience, disappointment, neglect, decay, greed, selfishness and forgetfulness touches us all on our journey through life. I can only imagine the elderly look back in amazement and wonder how they survived at all to their grey days.

My point with this writing is to show I worry about all of this a lot. And in my mind that seems to be wired to compare itself with a sense of achievement, I wonder what I can do about it all? And it all seems so futile, one man against the forces of history and earthly sins. I try to be peaceful. I try to convey that in my speech and correspondence. The “Songs for Jenny” CD is not an act. I try to do little things in my life to conserve resources. Simple things! Turn the water off while you are brushing your teeth! I get off topic…my point is I have made myself sick with worry. This frustrates me. And I am a poor man, and I get angry at the economic and educational caste system that rewards, as I sometimes think, personality defects when I am a sincere man, an artist with some talent that is totally undervalued. And then to extend that, I transfer some of that disgust at times to others, and unfairly. These are my internal issues, I have no right to be passive/aggressive towards others! And thus in a great big circular fashion, I make myself sick, I get angry, and some times I lash out.

As I said, one of my primary motivations is a sense of accomplishment. Yet ironically, what have I accomplished? I unconsciously compare myself to the Alexanders, the Gandhis, even the Steve Kilbeys of this world too much. I don’t exist on that scale. Envy overtakes me even as I realize I am aimless in my energies! And against such large forces, what can one do? Live one’s life in alignment with one’s ideals, I guess. Don’t worry about forces I can’t control. Try to find my little bit of peace amongst the chaos. And especially now, when I’m having something of a mid-life crisis, I need to find a haven where I feel my actions still have worth. And what is that? Again the only thing that beckons me is music, where I’ve always turned for escape, but also where I’ve turned for understanding. I have ignored for too long that music is really a living thing, an oral tradition, and can even be a spiritual bond amongst friends.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." --Reinhold Niebuhr, The Serenity Prayer

I’ve actually reached a peaceful point in my life where I understand my motivations, I see that my perspective is fed by both healthy and unhealthy means. This note is meant as a personal catharsis, not a lament, and hopefully I have communicated something of my newfound sense of self. Our idealism slowly fades as we age; I have no right to strip that from anybody. Only recently have I really started to lose my idealism about the possibilities of life and mankind. But as we grow older, grace and elegance deepens in intelligent individuals as our wisdom grows. I am 40. Anybody who meets me thinks I’m 30. Mentally I have felt like I’m in my 20s. Which all means what exactly?!!?! Age is relative and makes no difference. I am who I am, I am Tony Pucci.

The First of Three Morning Coffees

Groggy thoughts coalese into milky daydreams as my eyes ignore the forest of air ducts and electrical wiring. The battles I fight with finance, the weeks of servitude, are kept at bay with a song and a dertermination to keep an innocent boy wrapped in his blanket of comfort. Metallic air, bitterly assaulting my senses as I exit the sweet smell of Autumn and enter this realm of miguided circuitry, can not overcome me and bring me to surrender, to an unconscious death. The first of three morning coffees strives to excite my blood, still sluggish from the too-early braying of my cell phone alarm, permanently set to an ungodly 5:00 AM. The stubble on my chin is a day older, a day longer; again I snoozed too long to shave, a modern mountain man longing to exit the city and find his way back up the verdent slopes, beckoning with the promise of home and peace. Random thoughts like scattered music notes mark the sheet of scrap paper crinkled next to my wallet in my back pocket, things to do, songs to write, bills to pay, places to visit, all too much for the few hours at night I can call my own before sleep again overtakes me; a weekly reminder of the race life creates between modern obligations and the eternal thoughts of a man longing to make the world his sanctuary. The ink will fade and the pulp will grow musty, and still lines remain uncrossed. But as I consider putting my pen down and walking to the break room to secure my second cup of coffee for the day, I remind myself it's about the journey, not the destination. I do what I have to do and keep a private promise to my integrity; there is a song to be sung, if only in my heart.

The Gauze Lifting

The evenings come soon these days, daydreams scatter with refused hours. Unrelenting hands pull us thin until it’s hard to find the will to breath. And here comes the cold with its fierce, seasonal slumber; we are forced to dig in and wait out the passage. A crucible of pressure and vacuum filled with near-cliché longing, a handful of obligations become months of denial. Not so patiently you wait within your own divide of consciousness from joy, calling forever to me with your silent and liquid call, wet and warm, where nirvana races cinematic on the inside of eyelids closed.

So quick we are to forgive, pretending we understand when desperation and proximity paint a positive picture. Your mechanisms shock me with their screaming and clutching gears of self-preservation, the gauze lifting from our teenage dream and the hush found in the moonscape of plowed and frozen farm fields between us grows deeper. Be quiet, no one can lie to you if you choose not to hear.

The Shuddering Mountain

Ceaseless noise, an extreme pounding, filters sluggishly, and gradually the peace arrives like the warmth of the day creeping slowly upon my awareness. I sit with eyes closed to the world I know, the world that chaffs and screams eviscerating within my very soul; who stole the sunlight of tomorrow, what happened to the gleam of today? At the edge, the rocky shore beckons as polluted streams course in reminders of yesterdays forever gone, forever the dream unattainable, forever the broken promise we make to ourselves as tender youth; who knew fulfillment stood on the edge of selfish and uneducated points of left or right, up or down, progress or slow death?

I smile, but I’m in shock, noticing the soft, folding landscape of you, the creased and worn tourist magazine I’ve leafed through a million times, never knowing the smell of the forests or the chill of the air. Another mind-numbing television show, empty digital calories feeding me with false excitement and the lustful urge to buy, I want to consume you. I want to stand silent and alone in mad turmoil as I absorb every tendril of your essence.

I am the shuddering mountain of slab and crevasse, weathered and exposed before this wind designed to mirror the hollowness of my every desire. I stand before you bruised by neglect and the crime of too many revolutions, still believing in the faith I found in hazy childhood archetypes, memories now colored with idealism and forgotten toil. Is it any wonder I utter your name as if a sinner prostrate before his god? Can salvation only come to those who have given up all hope? Or will I die a martyr for never outgrowing the devout tingle that glory is just behind the barrier of your permission?